Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

"Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again..."
Sounds of Silence, written by Paul Simon


"He's here!"
Legolas, speaking of the mind of Sauron, from LOTR: The Two Towers, the movie adapted by Phillippa Boyens, Fran Walsh, and Peter Jackson



Early every year, generally during Lent, I have a huge mood crash.

I heard the Chinese gong of tinnitus in my right Meniere's ear earlier. I have four separate tones and timbres of tinnitus that I hear bilaterally, every day, 24/7. The Chinese gong sound is not one of them. A full-blown Meniere's attack is coming.

In the last three or four years I've developed mood crashes in association with Migraine attacks too. Full moon next week, Tuesday I believe, the Worm Moon as this one is called. Full moons always trigger Migraine attacks.

This year, the absolutely perfect alignment, and my old friend has come.

Death. Impending world-wide disaster (be under no illusion, I've dreamt it in the last week and saw it--it's coming). Loneliness even, and that's an odd thing to trouble me. I relish solitude and silence, cannot get enough. A week from tomorrow will be 18 years since the last time I was with my ex-husband. I'm a sworn celibate since my divorce. It's...tough.

Longing for God that cannot, and I mean cannot be expressed. It's a soul thing, souls that have no five senses to process information. How does a person talk about an event that doesn't come into the mind through one of the five senses? How does a person continue to live like this? St. Teresa of Jesus tried to talk about it. Once she said that she died because she could not die. I understand.

It hurts, to want like this. To want God so utterly inexpressibly, to want that which by everything I hold to be right would be completely wrong, to want to be already past the coming purgation, to want to adjust time and erase the last two years completely from all remembrance. I smolder without being consumed for the future, that which for me may forever remain just beyond the tips of my sparkling fingers. The pain is...exquisite.

Darkness, my old friend, is never far away.

It's 3:00AM.


"....'Take my arms that I might reach you,'
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed in the wells of silence.
The Sounds of Silence, written by Paul Simon


"No one knows what it's like to feel these feelings,
Like I do.
And I blame you."
Behind Blue Eyes, written by Pete Townshend of The Who



Copyright 2007-2009 Parin Stormlaughter, The Carmelite's Habit, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. I do not grant reprint permission under any circumstances. Contact me to request permission to link. And remember that if my work gets published anywhere else, I'll pray for you. And perhaps take legal action. Rest assured, prayer is far more effective.